Saturday, 27 August 2011

Confessions of a 30 year old...just when you thought it couldn't get worse in one day....

God sake. Someone just slap me and call me Susie! I've got a right face on! CBB with all of it! Pile it on why don't you! FFF

Confessions of a 30 year old! Another way to suffer

Well it has to be said I am having a tough time of it at the mo...yet again...... Don't worry I appreciate all of the good things in my life...Mat is an amazing boyfriend who although I fail to understand is a good person and I feel glad that I have him by my side even though sometimes he is miserable ha! Anyway...there are my gorgeous dogs who I love far too much, my family members and the friends that make me laugh! I appreciate them all. BUT.......

You see I seem to be having a bad week. Not a bad week in other peoples opinion but a bad week in terms of my emotional state and it's starting to p@@s me off! I am still bored...lack of enthusiasm for things has turned me into a sofa sitting miserable moron!!!! So many people I know are out and about doing things, enjoying life, doing the things they enjoy and having fun and having good times right now!!!! Right now as `i sit and write this. Here I am again comparing what I am doing to what others do! And the sad thing about this..... I honestly feel that if I have a cigarette I will feel so much better about my life...if I have the cancer stick I will be more willing to get off this sofa and do things! It would make me happy...fill the void...stop the argument of "shall I/shan't I?" that continues in my head. If I have a 'heart attack in a stick' I know what will happen...I have been in this situation before, during my others quits. I have the cigarette...the drug hits my brain I feel weird, head spinning, more aware of things happening in my body. I won't get the 'ahhhhhh' feeling that I so wish I could get. That false moment of satisfaction. Instead I will have to wait at least until the 3rd or 4th cigarette to get that 'ahhhh' feeling back. And of course by this time I will be hooked again... and always looking forward to that next 'ahhhh'. I am a nicotine addict. I feel like I should stand up and declare this out loud but I would feel foolish. But it is true and this makes me feel filthy and ashamed. However, and yes there is the 'however' word....Smoking has been a part of my life for a long time. It was the start of my rebellious stage in my life. I loved it! It was like sticking two fingers up at everyone and saying "I'm gonna be naughty for a while". I always knew that at some point I would quit. I felt that I had a few years to enjoy it (yes, enjoy!) before I stopped. I thought that I was safe in the knowledge that the effects of smoking wouldn't get me yet and so I would stop by a certain point. I never seemed to know when that 'point' would be but I honestly didn't need to pin point it just yet. But now I am 30. Smoke free at 30 and it's crap! How immature you might think. Perhaps that is part of the problem. As I get older there are new things that I would like to experience as well as enjoying some of the old things again. One big part of my journey for the future is to have a child. That is if I am blessed for this to happen. There are certain things that I need to do to prepare for this. It will not be an imminent thing to happen...but in the next few years i hope. Once this amazing thing happens (again, hoping) I will have to grow up. I would have to stop being selfish and behave myself! This includes smoking. No smoking at all, ever again because I will have the biggest responsibility there ever has been! So a part of me thinks perhaps I should have the cigarettes now because soon enough I will not be able to have any selfish, immature or reckless moments again. There will be no going back. No toying with the idea will be allowed! So I sit here....... waiting...thinking...wondering...arguing in my head "I want a cigarette". Better things will come my way that will put smoking in it's place! Literally, in the bin and metaphorically speaking. No going back. But until that happens the want for a cigarette is raging in my head telling me that I will want to 'live' life more if I have that cigarette............and a few more.

Monday, 22 August 2011

Confessions of a 30 year old!

I said to my loved one, "god nothing exciting ever happens in my life, it's crap". I realised that I should have put this perhaps a little differently as his face expressed an injured soul! Ooops! But then I couldn't help myself. I thought on reflection that I was probably out of order saying this because he will take this as a personal attack about how I feel about my life and of course he is a large part of my life. I then thought, stuff it....he needed to know that is how I had been feeling and have been feeling for ages! Even though his face showed hurt and injury I carried on telling him why I felt that everything was so crap. My job is stressful....I am now on holiday... yay...what do I do with this amazing holiday time that I have? Chuffing housework I tell you!!!!! My other half seems to think that this activity should make me feel happy...because I have created a cleaner, nicer environment for us to chill out in... also known as watching TV and doing crap all else! I feel so frustrated and I told him this. His response was not what I had expected. He decided to tell me that he thinks life isn't exciting and that it can't always be a party. I could explode with anger sometimes. I realised, and told him that I now understand that if I want my life to be a little more exciting I need to take control, take charge and make things happen for myself..which will no doubt result in me doing the things I love like taking photos and playing the guitar BY MYSELF AS USUAL! I don’t think he realises , even though I have told him many times, that I would like to share these hobbies with him, but I think I may as well just talk to that brick wall! So after having this convo with him....I'm still bored, thinking everything is crap and he now sulks because I have offended him. So, what do I have to look forward to today I wonder? Oh I know.....getting a new bath mat from chuffing Argos in a wheat colour to match the bathroom carpet. I might just spark up a cig now...end the misery that is my mood and put the Argos postcode into my sat nav...... oh hang on, I don't own a sat nav! Oh well...the journey to Argos may be more exciting than I first thought! Bring it!!!

Sunday, 21 August 2011

Some folk say the funniest things....

Some days can be tough when you work in the job that I have. But sometimes you are reminded that there is plenty of humour to be shared. Boom...someone says something funny and I think I have got to write that down... everyone will find that funny! Sometimes you might not share the same reaction as me (ventilating from too much 'breathing in' due to laughter) but I am sure you will find some worth reading to achieve that lovely feeling of inner laughter

1. A kid once said "how do you spell role?" I told him to get a dictionary because he will never learn if I just tell him. 5 minutes later (yes, 5) he said " I can't find it in the dictionary". I said "What letter does it start with?" "r" he replies". "And the next letter?" "o" he replies "and the next one?" he replies "l and then e but it's still not in here". I reply, "you have just spelt it!".

2. One kid says to her friend "how do you spell Camel?" her friend replies "Just spell caramel, it's spelt the same!"


Confessions of a 30 year old!

Hello there youngsters, oldies or equals! I have decided to do this blog because my boyfriend suggested I pour my thoughts and feelings into something that couldn't get offended by what I say. Also, so that he, quote, "doesn't have to listen to me anymore". I thought about it and thought yes that's a top notch idea. it would save a lot of earache for him and me...because when I get annoyed I often just say what is on my mind and expect there to be some kind of 'change' hahaha yes I know that is stupid! Anyway I thought I should go for it. But then I thought that it could also be a disaster. Why? Because I don't want people that I actually know reading it! It's a diary. Personal. But I would love strangers to read and comment and laugh at me or shout at me....whatever... but if I let me friends/family read this then they would judge me, perhaps even make comments or about my confessions to others, behind my back! So here I am writing a blog with no one actually reading it apart from me. I will not tell my friends/family that i am writing this blog....but I really hope others somehow magically find it on their radar and take a peek. I recently stopped smoking so something has got to help me get through it....chuff me!!!!!! Confessions of a 30 year old starts here........