Well it has to be said I am having a tough time of it at the mo...yet again...... Don't worry I appreciate all of the good things in my life...Mat is an amazing boyfriend who although I fail to understand is a good person and I feel glad that I have him by my side even though sometimes he is miserable ha! Anyway...there are my gorgeous dogs who I love far too much, my family members and the friends that make me laugh! I appreciate them all. BUT.......
You see I seem to be having a bad week. Not a bad week in other peoples opinion but a bad week in terms of my emotional state and it's starting to p@@s me off! I am still bored...lack of enthusiasm for things has turned me into a sofa sitting miserable moron!!!! So many people I know are out and about doing things, enjoying life, doing the things they enjoy and having fun and having good times right now!!!! Right now as `i sit and write this. Here I am again comparing what I am doing to what others do! And the sad thing about this..... I honestly feel that if I have a cigarette I will feel so much better about my life...if I have the cancer stick I will be more willing to get off this sofa and do things! It would make me happy...fill the void...stop the argument of "shall I/shan't I?" that continues in my head. If I have a 'heart attack in a stick' I know what will happen...I have been in this situation before, during my others quits. I have the cigarette...the drug hits my brain I feel weird, head spinning, more aware of things happening in my body. I won't get the 'ahhhhhh' feeling that I so wish I could get. That false moment of satisfaction. Instead I will have to wait at least until the 3rd or 4th cigarette to get that 'ahhhh' feeling back. And of course by this time I will be hooked again... and always looking forward to that next 'ahhhh'. I am a nicotine addict. I feel like I should stand up and declare this out loud but I would feel foolish. But it is true and this makes me feel filthy and ashamed. However, and yes there is the 'however' word....Smoking has been a part of my life for a long time. It was the start of my rebellious stage in my life. I loved it! It was like sticking two fingers up at everyone and saying "I'm gonna be naughty for a while". I always knew that at some point I would quit. I felt that I had a few years to enjoy it (yes, enjoy!) before I stopped. I thought that I was safe in the knowledge that the effects of smoking wouldn't get me yet and so I would stop by a certain point. I never seemed to know when that 'point' would be but I honestly didn't need to pin point it just yet. But now I am 30. Smoke free at 30 and it's crap! How immature you might think. Perhaps that is part of the problem. As I get older there are new things that I would like to experience as well as enjoying some of the old things again. One big part of my journey for the future is to have a child. That is if I am blessed for this to happen. There are certain things that I need to do to prepare for this. It will not be an imminent thing to happen...but in the next few years i hope. Once this amazing thing happens (again, hoping) I will have to grow up. I would have to stop being selfish and behave myself! This includes smoking. No smoking at all, ever again because I will have the biggest responsibility there ever has been! So a part of me thinks perhaps I should have the cigarettes now because soon enough I will not be able to have any selfish, immature or reckless moments again. There will be no going back. No toying with the idea will be allowed! So I sit here....... waiting...thinking...wondering...arguing in my head "I want a cigarette". Better things will come my way that will put smoking in it's place! Literally, in the bin and metaphorically speaking. No going back. But until that happens the want for a cigarette is raging in my head telling me that I will want to 'live' life more if I have that cigarette............and a few more.
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